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He Says/She Says
One couple talks about mediation
By Jane Meyer
Mercer Island Reporter
Harry Keinath and Pam Williamson are a Mercer Island couple currently in the process of divorce mediation. Keinath is a real estate analyst: Williamson is a counselor and therapist with offices on Mercer Island and Federal Way. They have been married for 12 years and have two daughters, ages 11 and 6. Attorney Meredith Kaplan-Gilbert is their divorce mediator.
They are at the beginning of the mediation process: they worked out a temporary agreement, and filed the petition for dissolution of their marriage. Now they are working on property and parenting issues themselves, and when they reach an impasse in their negotiations, they turn to Kaplan-Gilbert for mediation. Neither has hired an attorney, but once Kaplan-Gilbert has drawn up their divorce agreement, they may ask an attorney to go over the document.
Here, in their own words, are some of their thoughts on the process so far, and why they decided on mediation.
She says:
"We're usual in that we have all the anger, hurt and pain that couples have when they decide to divorce. But we might be unusual in the sense that we didn't want to go into the adversarial process...And we both decided we don't want to give up part of our house to lawyers.
"As a therapist who's worked with a lot of people going through divorce, I've seen how damaging the divorce process can be. I've seen how things get worse when the adversarial process begins. The adversarial process of divorce has literally torn kids apart...
"I've had clients who can't even get a court date for more than a year out. When that happens, it's hard for people to move on with their lives.
"I feel what's most important for us is to determine what will work for the two of us. We don't want all kinds of other people telling us how we should run our lives.
"I think it's helpful to remember that mediation is a process. It doesn't happen overnight, and you have to be patient through the process. You may get one thing worked out, and in the meantime deal with some of the emotional things...
"For mediation to work I think you have to have two people who are cooperative. For us, had we tried to do mediation a few months ago, it would have been a disaster. You have to be ready to put your differences aside. You have to go beyond the level of placing blame. It's hard to do mediation when there's a lot of anger going on.
I had a friend who went through a divorce and three years and $18,000 later, the judge told them they had to do mediation. The legal system is beginning to change to recognize the importance of mediation...I'm a strong advocate for mediation"
He says:
"We recognize that because we have children, we'll have a lifetime relationship on some level. Mediation is an opportunity for us to negotiate face to face and resolve differences in a much more expedient and amicable way.
"Litigation is very costly and attorneys are there to represent the rights of their clients. That often means encouraging them to seek distribution of property they might not have pursued on their own initiative...
"If people want to continue co-parenting their children, they need to have a relationship that can survive the divorce. If divorce exacerbates an already tense relationship, it is the children who will lose.
"I think most parties lose when things escalate toward litigation...There are more than the legal rights of a client at stake. How do you ever repair the kind of damage that can be done if things escalate and are not kept at a cooler level?
"Divorcing is the hardest thing any couple has to go through. The very act of going through the process changes the relationship. We live day to day to watch the relationship get weaker and more distant; the relationship gets more reduced in every step, from the removal of one's personal possessions from the residence to dividing up personal property. All are milestones in the relationship...
"Anyone who's seen the movie 'The War of the Roses' can identify with the kind of conflict that can happen."
Download:
Mediation Agreement
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